10 Jan Public Journal :: 006 • “Engage – Part One”

This is my word of the year: Engage.

And this is a journal entry. Public or not, I’m not going to let these entries become too formal. 

I’m approaching this entry coming straight out of morning pages—three pages of uninterrupted, stream-of-consciousness style writing. I’m going to keep that same energy but attempt to make it a little more coherent. That exercise led me right here: to talking about my word of the year.

The first thing I want to engage in this post is gratitude. I’m grateful for…

1. A space to write and share ideas

2. My family and all the quality time I got to spend with them over the holidays

3. A word that You (God) will use to teach me important things this year

One of the concepts that You are getting me to engage with early this year is the concept of being Your beloved. Last year, I felt you telling me that I don’t have anything to prove in any area of my life ever. As I started this day reading Henri Nouwen begin to illuminate the subject of the beloved, it resonated to me that the concept stood in opposition to having to prove myself.

Nouwen exposed the roots of both low self-esteem and arrogance as two sides of the same spectrum. That spectrum is one of self-rejection. I really haven’t spent too much time examining this term head on.

Self-rejection.

Thinking about my internal life, I think Nouwen is right. The barriers I face have so much to do with this. Self-rejection is the opposite of embracing an identity of the beloved. 

God, I know that this is an identity that we can embrace because it is an identity that you give us—every one of us.

The voice of the beloved says, to quote Nouwen:

“I have called you by name, from the very beginning. You are mine and I am yours. You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests. I have moulded you in the depths of the earth and knitted you together in your mother’s womb. I have carved you in the palms of my hands and hidden you in the shadow of my embrace. I look at you with infinite tenderness and care for you with a care more intimate than that of a mother for her child. I have counted every hair on your head and guided you at every step. Wherever you go, I go with you, and wherever you rest, I keep watch. I will give you food that will satisfy all your hunger and drink that will quench all your thirst. I will not hide my face from you. You know me as your own as I know you as my own. You belong to me. I am your father, your mother, your brother, your sister, your lover, and your spouse… yes, even your child… wherever you are I will be. Nothing will ever separate us. We are one.”

I had to quote this whole section because it really speaks a sense of warmth to my heart about what it means to really be loved by God. 

How many things do we find ourselves running to in order to find some sense of this truth? How many destructive sources do we wrap ourselves into trying to get this message that God gives freely? I believe, as Nouwen admonishes, that we don’t have to waste time getting entangled in pursuits that leave us more empty and more confused. Addiction doesn’t have to be an inevitability. I’m convinced that there is a way that leads to genuine, abundant, brimming life. 

I’ve experienced the fact that this way is following You, Jesus. 

This is the ultimate engagement of every year for me. 

In the face of fear, follow You. 

In the presence of uncertainty, follow You. 

In confusion and emotional turbulence, follow You.

My memory verse right now is Romans 12:1-3 in the Amplified Version. I ain’t that far along in memorizing it so don’t ask me to quote it if you see me this week. However, it speaks of surrendering to You as “rational”, “logical”, and “intelligent”. When I step back and look at Your goodness (gratitude certainly aids this), Your purview, and Your power, following You and Your will is the obvious choice. Your way makes the most sense even when it conflicts with what I want.

So this year I want to engage my trust in You first and foremost. All other engagements will flow from this one.