21 Apr #3 No-mentum (Balance 2021)

I struggle with saying ‘no’. This struggle doesn’t always present itself. I find it much easier to institute the ‘no’ boundary when I clearly see a transgression or injustice. However, for me, it can be much more difficult to be direct in saying ‘no’ in the gray areas. 

There are several reasons this is the case. 

First, I’m an enneagram type nine. I love peace and hate conflict. I strongly dislike arguing. These preferences are largely motivated by my basic fear of loss and separation. Conflict feels like a disconnect in the relationship to me. If it’s all the same, I’d much rather handle conflict internally than to externalize it into a war of words. Unfortunately for me, it often isn’t “all the same”, which is what brings me here to this writing.

Secondly, I am prone to be out of touch with my personal limits. My ambition often exceeds my resources of time and energy. My inability to recognize my capacity causes me to take on much more responsibility than I can realistically manage. It also causes me to cram too much into my schedule and be late to events. This lack of margin causes unnecessary stress and anxiety, to which I tend to respond with procrastination or paralysis. 

For the past few years, I’ve been researching and writing a book on the subject of relationships. One immutable principle I’ve learned is that healthy relationships cannot exist without healthy boundaries. 

Boundaries are the points at which we say “no more”. If you own property, you’re very familiar with this principle. Within the boundaries of your property you are free to do as you please (within lawful reason). However, once you cross your property line it is incumbent upon you to give consideration to the wishes and rules of whoever possesses authority over that property. Paradoxically, you are actually more limited in what you can do outside the limits of your own limited space.  

I’m learning that the recognition and implementation of boundaries are two separate skills that need developing. This blog post is one tool I’m using to analyze and clarify how I can grow in these skills.

The truth is anyone who wants to have better relationships – even if your relationships are great they could be better – needs to have a good handle on boundaries. 

If you resonate with my personality type, then this article is specifically for you. I say “for you” not in the sense that I have the answers, but in the sense that my external processing of this dynamic may prove to be a bit more directly useful to you. 

If you find it easy to set boundaries and say ‘no’, please read this article and hit me up afterwards with any ideas or suggestions you have. Perhaps this article can be indirectly useful to you by influencing you to analyze your proficiency and share helpful practice tips with those of us who are more deficient in these skills.

Getting Real About Our Limits

I think it is fitting to start with the recognition piece. Our humanity guarantees that we have limits. Choosing to ignore them doesn’t mean that they don’t exist. 

It’s clear to see this in the realm of finances. Whether we are responsible enough to account for it or not, we all have a certain amount of money. If we choose to spend over that amount, someone has to pay. If we choose to use consumer credit, our lenders pay now and we pay (with interest) later. 

In life, when I don’t choose to say ‘no’, I choose to pay the price. If I don’t have the resources of time and energy to pay then something suffers.  What suffers is all too often something I value. The truth of that last statement stings as I write it. 

So then perhaps the best reason to say ‘no’ is to be motivated by self love. Maybe this is the same self love that Jesus was talking about when he said “Love your neighbor as you love yourself.” (Matthew 22:39 GNT, emphasis added). I have to love myself enough to take an honest inventory of my limits and then say ‘no more’ when someone asks me to go beyond them, recognizing that something important will likely suffer if I don’t.

Love is sacrifice. Another groundbreaking concept we get from Jesus is that “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” (John 15:13 NIV) The highest form of love is the greatest point of sacrifice.

You might be thinking, “Well then wouldn’t sacrifice mean that we shouldn’t say ‘no’ to our friends? If we’re supposed to lay down our life for them, how could we say ‘no’? Where is the balance between ‘loving others as you love yourself’ and ‘laying down one’s life for one’s friends’?” 

I believe the balance comes in realizing that we each have a relationship with ourselves just like we do with others. Sacrifice and mistreatment are not the same thing. We cannot afford to mistreat ourselves at the expense of others. If we fail to practice loving ourselves then, ultimately, we won’t have any value in ourselves to give to others. Saying ‘no’ gives us the margin to evaluate how we can best use our energies to serve the most amount of people for the longest period of time.

For me, saying ‘no’ is a sacrifice in and of itself. In this act, I’m choosing to sacrifice the present comforts of people pleasing for the future benefits of balance and bandwidth. 

As a person seeking to follow Jesus, there is a trust dynamic involved here as well. Setting boundaries is also a formal acknowledgement that I’m not God. I’m not all-powerful or all-knowing. He is limitless. I am not.  So the practice of saying ‘no’ is also trusting that God will provide for me when my limits kick in. 

‘No-mentum’

My practice starts by saying ‘no’ to the easiest things first. Some things are clearly outside of my ability to oblige. Other times it is the small no’s that get me going in the right direction. It’s helpful for me to create some “no-mentum” by saying ‘no’ to these things. It’s like I’m priming the ‘no’ pump. I’m getting used to hearing myself say it and seeing that the world doesn’t fall apart when I do. Proving to myself that I can say ‘no’ in small matters builds the confidence I need in order to say it in the more difficult areas.

One difficult area for me to set boundaries is work. Part of this is because I work for myself. I also work from home, a reality that became relevant to a lot more of the population over the last year. If you’ve transitioned to the at-home work environment, you’ve probably experienced how difficult it is to shut work off. A healthy work/life balance requires you to be intentional about when you’re on and when you’re off. Going elsewhere to work and coming home creates a natural, environment-based boundary. Without this natural boundary it becomes all the more important to clarify your own boundaries. Working for yourself creates a similar need in that you don’t have expected office hours unless you set and uphold them. 

After reading the book Deep Work by Cal Newport, I began time blocking my days. By scheduling hours when I put my phone on do-not-disturb (my favorite boundary) and doing undistracted work, I’m really on when I’m on. My focus level is optimized which allows me to be as productive as possible during work hours. In turn, this gives me more confidence to say ‘no’ to work when I’m off.

I’ve also seen benefits in practicing the weekly ritual of the sabbath. Sabbathing is the practice of setting aside time to refrain from work to rest, refuel, and reset. My best sabbaths feel like the ultimate deposit in the self-love account.

When I get away from the practice of setting these boundaries in my work, I suffer and so does my work. Counterintuitively, my lack of boundaries actually causes my level of productivity to decrease. 

The same principle applies in my relationship with my body. When I’m on my game, I’m in the practice of saying ‘no’ to specific choices. Sometimes this ‘no’ means ‘no more food’, which is the boundary of intentional portions. Other times it is saying ‘no’ the comfort of the couch and getting a workout in. In both cases, my ability to erect these boundaries by saying ‘no’ improves the health of my body and my relationship to it.

On the other side of a good ‘no’ are the rewards of better balance and more satisfying relationships. As I said before, this blog post is for me. I’m grateful for the reminder it serves for me to work on this area of difficulty. 

What tips and tricks make it easier for you to set healthy boundaries? I’d love to hear your thoughts on this subject so feel free to share them with me.