15 Mar The Virtue Dilemma

I think it’s safe to say that we all experiment with doing what our hearts desire against the instruction of conventional wisdom. 

For some, this desire-based approach to living marks an entire season of life. A subset of these people string together enough seasons to make this approach to living the theme of their lives. These tend to be the same people who need to learn things on their own… or so they claim.

For others, the desire-based approach is a more sporadic occurrence. Rather than preferring to have first-hand experience, these people usually have an easier time learning lessons from the experiences of others.

No matter which camp a person identifies with, there comes a point in the maturation process of every functional human being when they realize that doing whatever they want, whenever they want, doesn’t actually lead them to where they ultimately want to go. This is where The Virtue Dilemma comes into play.

This dilemma is apparent to me in the area of dating. From an early age, I observed the dating stories of people who made dating decisions based primarily on emotions. I watched people not only wreck their romantic lives with this approach, but I also saw how the wreckage in their romantic lives spilled over into pretty much every other area of their lives. I decided then that I didn’t need to have my own horror stories in order to get the lesson. That being said, I did make my own poor choices. However, I decided that I did not want these choices to mark entire seasons of my life. My aim was that poor decisions would not become practices that would then lead to habits. 

Instead, I decided to devote my dating and romance life to God’s direction. To the best of my ability, I practice giving him the reins to this entire area of my life. And what has been the result? Well, to be fair, the answer to that question is multifaceted. One of these results is the essence of The Virtue Dilemma.

The Virtue Dilemma presents itself once you realize that the hedonist’s guide to life leads to bondage. At this point you recognize the true value in pursuing a life of virtue. The catch is that there’s often a felt loss in this pursuit. 

I sort of see it like a funnel. Living the pleasure-based lifestyle is like starting at the wide end of the funnel. Things seem so open and free. However, as you traverse the path of the funnel things quickly begin to narrow. It’s the ultimate bait and switch. This lifestyle offers you the illusion of everything upfront and then slowly takes options from you until you are left with nothing.

When The Virtue Dilemma comes into play, the funnel is flipped. The pursuit of virtue causes you to narrow your choices upfront, the small end of the funnel. My guy Jesus expressed it like this: 

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” (Matthew 7:13-14 NIV)

Side note: The Virtue Dilemma kinda sounds like an epic, 2000’s Sci-Fi movie starring Jude Law and Winona Ryder. 

As I think about how I experience this dilemma on the front end, it kind of feels as epic as that film would be. I don’t wanna give up my options. It’s emotional. However, as the pursuit of virtue continues, we find the funnel opening up to an infinite expanse of genuine freedom. 

I must return to my dating example because it underscores the dilemma for me like none other. Pursuing virtue in the area of my dating life can feel hopeless at times. The loss of potential dating candidates often feels so significant that it can seem as though it will take a modern miracle to find someone. Couple this (no pun-intended) with the cultural pressure that getting older often presents and you have yourself a real anxiety cocktail on your hands.

Ok so now that I think we all understand the dilemma, how do we move forward productively? Is there a way to find peace in the emotional crucible that this dilemma creates? 

Yes, I believe there is a peace-inducing perspective on this dilemma. I believe it because I’ve experienced it. 

How do we get to peace?

I believe bringing peace to the virtue dilemma starts with embracing the discipline of delayed gratification. In the realm of our funnel analogy, the principle behind The Virtue Dilemma says that later gets greater. The act of being able to give up something you want in the immediate for something better down the road is a practice worth turning into a habit.

In fact, this is exactly what I believe Jesus was getting at when he said, “…whoever loses their life for me will find it.” (Matthew 16:25, NIV) In this context, losing life means giving up those things that we seemingly can’t live without. This is the discipline of detachment or the acceptance of the transient nature of life. It is when we are willing to detach from the people, places, things, and ideas we so often build our lives upon, embracing Jesus and his values, that we experience that expansive freedom of real life.

At the heart of delayed gratification is the principle of investment. Investment is giving up something of some value now to get something of greater value at a later time. 

Consistent productive investment is powered by clarity. Clarity spawns that determined intention it takes to withstand the current unpleasantness of investing.

Here’s the big idea: In the presence of clarity, The Virtue Dilemma cannot stay a dilemma. This dilemma only exists when clarity is lacking.

Practicing clarity in relation to The Virtue Dilemma means clarifying your investment. There’s two sides to this. 

1. Clarify what you are actually giving up.  

Remember that most of what we are dealing with in the dilemma is an emotional response to the loss of something seemingly valuable. However, when we stop and take an honest inventory of what we are actually giving up, we realize that it is usually of much lesser value. (When what we give up on the front end isn’t of lesser value than what we gain on the backend, we don’t make the investment… simple enough! 👍🏾 👍🏾)

For instance, in dating, when I decide to give up the emotionally-driven approach, I realize that the candidates I lose wouldn’t not have really benefited me in any sustaining way. I’m really mostly trading baggage for freedom here.

2. Clarify what you will gain.

Purpose is found in what is gained from our pains and sacrifices. Understanding the purpose of our pain (or even defining it) leads to motivation and helps to preserve our intentionality.  To bring this idea back into the dating realm, dating with a purpose allows me to gain meaningful and functional relationships that help me to grow into the best version of myself. This benefit motivates me like crazy.

I’ve found that clarity comes through reflection. There are many avenues to effective reflection. Journaling, therapy, prayer, meditation, and conversation are all great tools I use to regain clarity. In each of these settings, I find that good questions often serve as effective catalysts for meaningful reflection.

I’ll leave you with the two major clarifying questions.

In your pursuit of virtue, what are you actually giving up?

What benefits will virtue afford you?